Things That I Loathe to Hear Pt:1

I don’t know what possesses you, white people. Is there something in the water? First of all, you should count yourself quite lucky that a black person is willing to hang around your ignorant ass. When people first notice me, they take away two things; I am larger than the average person, and I am nothing like the stereotypes that they see on MTV, and other bullshit television. I don’t speak in Ebonics or poor English. I dress like an adult, and my pants stay at my waist, and they are a size appropriate for my body (because they fucking fit). I don’t wear ostentatious or fake jewelry, and I seldom discuss money unless it is pertinent to the conversation. Oh, and I don’t refer to women as “bitches” or “hoes”.

With all of that said, I can understand how you, inbred, toothless yokel, can think that my appearance, my speech, and my educational background could mean that I am trying to be white. What I don’t understand is that if that is my intention, what in the name of fuck are you trying to be, you unwashed, foul-smelling, uneducated waste of shit-stained seminal fluid? I am not “trying” to be anything, save for perhaps in a different room. Sounding like this, acting like this, looking like this; I am not whiter than you- I am better than you. Just because you have no sense of racial identity because your parents (giving you the benefit of the doubt that you had both) couldn’t think of a better way to rear their (possibly multiple) children other than plopping them in front of the television with no supervision and guidance does not mean that I am going to accept you because of your poor grasp of the incumbent language of the country that you were born in (that would be English). By the by- the barefoot, diaper and Kool-Aid smile baby look- the one in the middle of Wal-mart? You know the one, you got one baby on the hip, another more-than-half naked, roaming on foot, and you are at lease six months and showing? Yeah? Remember that? Pure, unbridled perfection. I love it. Keep it up.

But I digress…

The next time you are lucky enough to meet someone like me, keep in mind, that the phrase “you are the whitest black person I know” is likely to leave you either reprimanded by one of your betters, or toothless. Though the latter may seem more extreme, they would probably be doing you a favor since your hygiene is so lacking, it’s hard to believe that a toothbrush has seen the inside of your mouth.

-jack